Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Amelia-Jay's LiveJournal:

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Friday, September 18th, 2009
11:50 am	If I could, I would go to another place and completely make myself up. No one would know me so I could be whoever I wanted. I would live in this complete fabrication until I got whatever it is I needed out of it. Or maybe I’ll just stay that person forever. Maybe I’ll like her more than me. (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 10th, 2009
1:03 pm	The only lie I'll never tell: i love you. It's truth i've only ever been able to experience once and the most heartbreaking emotion to date. I'm coming to the cold hard truth that lies firmly between a rock and a hard place. I don't want to be without you, but I can't be with you. And though the door isn't firmly shut on the future I feel that future will never exist. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
1:00 pm	Drink Me. I seem to think that all your words are poison but in truth I'm coming to realize that they may be the perfect antidote for the rest of my life. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 19th, 2009
3:44 pm	lying is the most fun a girl can have.... I'm addicted to the truth. Even when I get it I never believe it. I need the truth and need to know that it's not a deception or a sugar coated poison. everyone's a liar. I'm a liar. I decieve people on a daily basis To get my way. To get out of trouble. To test people. And simply... because I can. It comes from my liar heart to seek that whch I never give. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 21st, 2009
8:15 pm	you could have been all I wanted a new premise to all of my stories. Were you ever honest? a villian in friend's clothing you snuffed out the purest of passions fucked                                                                                                                                                                  me and everything I trusted. now you play with my mind like a cat with a sting why can't you just write me out? figure it out before I hate you but if you really love me... if you can't endure my world I just need... one last kiss. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 7th, 2009
2:45 pm	I was breaking my back dismantling the walls I've spent a life time building up around myself Every brick I let you further in. Who knew you would leave me to the rubble. Blindsided. Why do we spend so much time giving everything away to those that don't deserve it.  But when we finally lie in a bed with someone that does it has to end with all the feelings still there. Real love gets locked away in deep recesses, in boxes, in minds. The currency of the world is just to fuck. (Comment on this)
2:42 pm	[hoping to become a new muse for your verses. if you don't write about me the offense is clear.] I'm now a subtler shade of grey. I knew all along you were the monster and still I pointed the way to Tokyo. (Comment on this)
Monday, November 17th, 2008
11:08 am	waiting for the one that's not so afraid to be in love with me. Current Music: emm gryner (Comment on this)
10:59 am	"it's a good day to wish you were mine. I wish it all the time." you have no right to bring me down.   Even though I know I used to be contagious. I've been too tangled up since Tuesday with the reciever off the hook. Now you'll never know the way I feel for you. (Comment on this)
Saturday, September 27th, 2008
9:01 pm	though you haven't met him in infinity, you're never coming back the same. Cold guns in your young hands growing numb, they'll change you. War will change you. You fight two. One on the news. And one in you. I fight a war. I fight a war every day but instead of killing, the enemy creeps inside me. You'll never be the same. If you ever come back (will you ever come back?) Part of you will be left in the sand. And then who will you be? Who do I know? Current Music: red dress (Comment on this)
8:55 pm	Verses The worst thing a liar can say is I Love You Current Music: tv on the radio (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 11th, 2008
11:56 am	Drink me Forever underestimating the real cost of a cup of coffee... (Comment on this)
11:53 am	Hearts Would you stand outside my house Throwing rocks up at my window To see if I will Come and dance with you? Current Music: Tal Bachman (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 10th, 2008
11:30 pm	Pocket Watch Maybe time quit on us. It's a cruel game when a door opens right when a plane is taking you away. But you deny it. You tell the truth and then a sober lie. But we're perfect now. As perfect as we can be for now. Maybe one day time will come back to our side. Maybe time is there right now and this is the gift it's given us. The time to think about what we are, what we were, and what we can be. All I know is that when you kissed me and said you never wanted to let go I should have said Maybe I shuold have said I love you too. Current Music: Finley Quaye (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 8th, 2008
12:46 pm	Return to Wonderland I realize that in my wallowings of falling relationships that I was placing a great deal of healing responsibilities on the other party in question. That is no way to be. I can count on on hand the number of times in the past while where I have felt lost in a situation and like everything and nothing would never be the same. That they were letting us fall apart and that they didn;t care. What took me so long to realize was that I was falling into the same dog and pony show. I was sitting back. I was looking like I was the one who didn't care. How can I say that they should be the ones to fix everything when I'm doing nothing to fix it myself. And nothing felt better when I just swallowed my pride, looked at each one in the virtual eye and said "We have a problem...let's deal." I think it's spawned a new proactive time in my life. Sometimes I think I've wasted opportunities. The one area of my life that I always neglect in love or what can losely be called "love" for sake of long descriptions. I'm always "no", "let's be friends", or "I'm presenting myself as uninterested in order to stay safe". University is supposed to be a time in your life for some of the greatest torrid love affairs. All mine are tame or half formed and in retro-spect, a lot of passed up opportunities. And althought I am by no means old, I feel like I'm almost too old to start. We'll see. Never say never has always been big with me. Why change that now? Sometimes I think I may not want to return to university for the final years. I'm questioning whether I'd rather do what I want to with full freedom rather then do what I feel I have to with standard obligations. I sometimes feel like I'm sacrificing the opportunity to advance in what I ultimately want but falling prey to the patterns I've established in a never changing acedemic institution (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, March 30th, 2008
2:18 pm	March Hare Everyone has the potential to disappoint you. But it’s about having enough guts to recognize that yet still take the risk. We fight so hard to try and make things better but what are we actually fighting for? I should have written it all off a long time ago but it’s too late now. It’s too late for me and I should have known it. At least I’ll know it next time. Know enough that there won’t even be a next time. No one should ever have sweet words of kindness and reaffirming friendship be so painful and poisonous. It's a warm hug and a slap in the face. Either way, I'll get painted a fool. Either for believing you and what feels like lies. Or branding you said liar and paying the price that all you said was a genuine truth. All these mistakes are making my heart feel so sunken in. All the indecision and all this mystery. I'm waiting for the climax. The arc of this episode where the truth comes out and everything finds its answer. The safety of this small room and the distance of the dim screen seems to be looking better than the alternative. (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 25th, 2007
11:00 pm	He's speed dial number four His picture stands by the door yet like the best he leaves the rest wanting more waiting for... at the start of the lie The truth be told you're just a little boy Goodbye sir, So long sir. Come again Be gone sir Half happy hi to you Hello sir. With bit lips and slide of hips. Gone kiss Gallant pose. shed sweater and I better... at the start of the lie the truth be told you're just a little boy Hi sir, Hello sir. Goodmorning sir. Goodnight sir. where do we go, do you suppose? We don some rose shade glasses it makes for better lost glances and romances. why sir? goodbye sir. So long sir. Tomorrow sir. (Comment on this)
9:03 pm	Looking Glass when did I ever say I'd fall in love with you? I can never picture myself growing old. Maybe that means I'll die young. More then anything I'd like to be a sunflower. Too many people are daisies but let themselves be treated like a field. l.i.v.e. vice, virtue. live above and get more out of life. images. is it so easy to walk in and out of my life? when everything has a balance is that the time to think about wants? I want you. Little pieces of the old me slide into place here and there. That'll be the end of that. I'm whole now. I'ma sunflower. Current Music: tegan and sara (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 20th, 2007
1:05 am	break And I know no matter the breaking beats of my heart that you'll be with her. And she'll be lying beside you and I'll be lying alone. I'll kiss the boys at the parties and every pair of lips I'll wish were yours And it's breaking my heart You're breaking my heart Current Mood: creative (Comment on this)
12:59 am	Tin Girl I'm made of tin: cold, hard, and hollow. With an absent beat in my chest. But love is not lost, and you I'd follow. I have the heart of a giant and if only I could find it. (Comment on this)